Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo
by LadyBow8
Summary: It's a parody ending to the animemanga, about the cast resorting to cannibalism. If you're an easily offended Kagomefan, don't read it. :D I WARNED YOU.
1. Part 1 Prelude to The Sunset Kiss

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 1 Prelude to The Sunset Kiss

There was Kagome, just a-walking down the street singing 'doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo'. She was snapping her fingers and her nearly prepubescent unrealistically large boobs were bouncin' high, singing 'doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo'. She looked stupid. She looked retarded. She looked stupid, looked retarded, such a bimbo, it blew Inuyasha's mind.

**NARRATOR**: Oh, whoops. Sorry. I need to stop thinking in lyrics. The point is, Kagome 's walking down the street, and I'm watching her like a stalker behind some bushes. Now I wouldn't normally do this, but the reason why I'm here is that Inuyasha is _across_ the street, and seems to be drooling for her. I want to see what kind of Lifetime corny moment they're going to have in a few moments.

So anyway, it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Birds are chirping, crickets gathering, and Inuyasha has just started to saunter across the street and join her. They continue to walk. Kagome doesn't seem to notice. I adjust my binoculars.

--- --- ---

Sorry about that. I turned the camera off. I kept waiting for them to interact, but Kagome carried on obliviously for about five minutes before she noticed him and _finally_ stopped. She gasps like she's having an orgasm. "Inuyasha! Inuyasha! Inuyasha!" She continues on like a broken record. "Inuyasha!-" Inuyasha then kicks her in the shin like a snack dispenser and she stops abruptly and jerkily turns her head around a few times. "Oh! Hello Inuyasha."

"Hi." Inuyasha says. He looks a tad nervous. He has his eyes averted to the sidewalk below his steps, his hair falls down, perhaps to cover his pink face. Kagome smiles and tries to look up to the blue sky but acknowledges, with pain, that there is a sun in that blue sky, and it's burning her eyes. She turns back to Inuyasha.

"So why're _you_ here?"

"I just…felt like coming up the well to see you. That's all." Inuyasha mumbles. Kagome seems very pleased with this comment.

"Awww…that's so sweet, Inuyasha. Did you miss me?" At this, he mutters incoherently and spits out some sort of retort that's supposed to mean "no" and further establish his need to hide his feelings. But as I said, Kagome's rather oblivious, so she doesn't really catch on to the fact that he didn't mean it. Her eyes solemnly return to the path ahead until the two stop at the front of her house. They say nothing as the trees sway in a warm gentle wind. Inuyasha's hair and red sleeves slightly shift back and forth to his sides.

"Well, I guess I'd better go now." She clutches tighter to her books. "I have a lot of homework to do." Just as she takes her first steps, Inuyasha's hand slightly extends from his side.

"Wait."

**NARRATOR:** Oh! This is too good to miss. I'm gonna have to go skid across the grass and get a closer look.

I tread behind a nearby bush and swiftly move along until I'm adjacent to a large tree at the right end of the yard.

**NARRATOR: **Okay, this is better. Yeah they're still having that suspenseful silence.


	2. Part 2 Sunset Kiss

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 2 The Sunset Kiss

Okay…they're blinking…okay, now Kagome's averting her eyes away from Inuyasha's gaze in a flush of embarrassment…okay…now Inuyasha's inching towards her a bit…oh for Christ's sake.

"GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

……

……

I cover my mouth. oo I can only see faintly through these bushes, but I'm pretty sure Inuyasha just turned around.

"Did you just hear something?" He asks.

"…Huh?"

"I thought I just heard something."

"Oh. Well…I didn't hear anything. It's okay. You probably just have schizophrenia."

"Kagome!" Inuyasha growls. "That's a horrible thing to say!"

"Sorry…" She squints her eyes as a sweat-drop falls down the back of her head. "Artistic license. The author made me say it because one time she read a story about me as a schizophrenic and it made her want to keel over and vomit because it was so bad and they didn't even accurately portray the disease to begin with. So she's taking the liberty of mentioning it in her own story as an insult."

"Okay…" I'm able to lean forward a little and peek out my eyes from the brush. Inuyasha looks a tad annoyed for some reason. "How do you even know that word, anyway?" Kagome shrugs.

"I'm…being controlled. Ask the author."

"No no no…Kagome…that's not why I'm here." He cuts the interrogative shit and slips his hand around Kagome's. Her eyes wander down to it innocently.

"Inu-…yasha?" Inuyasha at first looks empowered with masculine determination, but it slips away when he tries to lean forward.

"Agh…"

"Were…were you trying to kiss me, Inuyasha?" This only feeds to Inuyasha's impatience. He then sweeps her off her feet, dips her before the setting sun, and frenches her in front of the neighbors. And me. She pops her knee and lays her arms delicately over his shoulders, and after a few moments of a prolonged kiss, they break apart and Inuyasha backs away a little.

"I gotta go…" He puts his hand on the back of his head, about ready to shoot off into the trees and return to the well.

"No!" He pauses dramatically. "I mean…no please. Don't leave so suddenly. I mean I know I have a lot to do, I just don't like it when you feel so uncomfortable around me. You and I have to be closer than that. You can't just kiss me and run off!" Yeah. It was true. Inuyasha obviously wasn't too tactful with women. He was acting like a child. oo "Inuyasha…I really care about you. I want you to feel like it's okay to tell me your feelings."

"I can't…" Kagome gasps under her breath.

"Why…" At that, Inuyasha throws up his arms in a fit of uneasiness.

"Because!" Kagome's face looks perplexed now. "It's embarrassing, okay?!!" The perplexed look fades.

"It shouldn't be. I would love to hear that you care about me, you know? I say stuff like that to _you_ and you don't think I'm weird afterwards, do you?"

"You don't get it."

"Not if you don't explain." Just then, Inuyasha grows suspicious again.

"Why are you suddenly sounding so much smarter?"

"….What?" Kagome drools. Inuyasha's brow drops.

"…Oh for God's sake, who's messing around with Kagome's intelligence?"

"Don't you, 'oh for God's sake', ME." An unknown manly voice rings throughout the air. Inuyasha falls backwards and then quickly shoots back up to the sky.

"I KNEW I heard someone!"

"Oh relax. It's just me, God. Now you shut the hell up, dog-face." Inuyasha now looks extremely enraged. "Look, that's basically how she was feeling, but I knew that if she tried explaining it herself it would take forever. So I just filled it in with a bunch of sappy garbage that I knew you would understand better than her ditzy babbling."

"Schizophrenia?"

"Yeah."

"That 'bababooee-bababooee-Howard Stern's penis-bababooee" joke earlier today?"

"Yeah." The manly voice echoes.

"The 'get on with it' I heard just a few minutes ago?"

"No, actually, that was some kid hiding in the bushes watching you make out with Kagome." Inuyasha's face has now gone flat.

"What."

_Oh shit._


	3. Part 3 What a DumbAss

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 3 What a Dumb-Ass

He's charging towards the bushes, he- "AAAAAAAH! LET ME GO!" He lifts me up by the back of my shirt.

"Who the hell are you?!" Quickly, I notice I'm still holding the binoculars up to his face, two inches away, and staring at me with disgust. I drop them to the ground and laugh nervously.

"I-I-I-I'm…I'm the narrator!" It doesn't seem to help. "Y-you can't hurt the narrator!"

"Says who?!"

"Uhm…actually no, you can't hurt the narrator." God pipes up. Inuyasha turns around hastily.

"WHAT?!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not aloud."

"No, I don't think so either." Kagome adds.

"Kagome!" He turns to Kagome instead of the sky. "What did we say about talking?" She pauses in confusion. "No speakie' unless the man speakie' to you." She lowers her head in shame.

"Anyway," God continues, "you can't cause harm to the narrator or she could start a lawsuit." Inuyasha then turns his face back to me, looking disheartened.

"Is this true?" He asks innocently. My legs dangle in the air.

"…Mhm." He slowly sets me back down.

"This is bullshit. I don't need this." Kagome, God, and I all stare at him. "Look Kagome. I…lll..luu…_I love you_. There. Now leave me the fuck alone, all of you!" He then dashes out of trace, leaving Kagome standing bewildered in front of her house. She stares at me awkwardly.

"…Heheh…Hi…Kagome." I mutter.

"Heheh…hello. ;" Stupid bitch…trying to be cute. After some mental preparation, I take it on myself to approach her.

"Hey look, Kagome. Don't worry about me. I'm just in the scenery. I promise not to mess around with the plot or interrupt when you guys decide to…you know…do the deed or something."

"Oh my! I would never do that! I have very special morals!" Okay, I'm losing my patience now.

"Okay…fine. But maybe you oughta stop sending mixed signals and get a new skirt."

"What?"

"Your skirt. Hell, you don't even wear a bra. You look like a whore."

"What?!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot that anime girls are conveniently unaware when they're wearing slutty clothes or bending into impossible angles that show off their various womanhood. Look, Kagome. You're gonna have to get a new look. Pull the skirt down. Hell, I _know_ you're pulling it up. And go check out the nearest 28C cup if you can. Anyway look, I gotta go now." This entire speech, Kagome has done nothing but stare at me frozen.

"You're not very nice." Hahahah! Oh my God. Did she seriously just say that…

"Okay well, be that as it may, there's no action anymore." She still looks out of words. "And I have things to do of my own." It seems as though God has finally shut off Kagome as a whole. Her pupils dilate, she doesn't speak a word. Like Inuyasha, I disappear.


	4. Part 4 Nightly Visit

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 4 Nightly Visit

Well, I got a couple hours of rest, but I just couldn't sleep! I thought up an absolutely brilliant plan. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this while I'm sneaking through the grass. And it's dark. Well…I'm gonna go sneak into Kagome's house and look around her room! Hah!

What? …Seriously, what? It's not that strange. I wanna know what's in there! That's all. She probably writes in her diary every day about how dreamy Inuyasha looked, and honestly- I might just steal it and make photocopies and send it all throughout her school and in Feudal Japan, and we can all laugh at her!

Besides, it's not like she's going to wake up or anything. She probably sleeps like a big mentally retarded log. Why be afraid?

Alright, so here's a window…Kagome's window…but it's up there. Shit…okay…alright uhm…Back door. Okay…okay I'm sneaking through the backyard. It's extremely small. (This is Japan, remember). OHH MY GOD! It's open. Oh Jesus. I can't believe this. Man. It's a whole _family_ of retards. This is great. :D Alright, I'm gonna walk inside. Okay, it's dark in here, but I'm flickering my flashlight around, and okay _there's_ the stairs…I'm approaching the stairs-AAAAGH! GODAMNIT SHIT FUCK SLUT WHORE! What the hell is this?! …AAGH. It's one of Souta's toys. For Christ's sake it's made of Legos! Aghghhhh…my foot…ehhh- oh. I should be keeping quiet.

Going up the stairs, making a right, opening the door; there's Kagome's tangled black mess of hair buried in her pink comforter…okay lets see here…Desk…desk…She's probably not smart enough to find a creative place to hide it, so it's probably in the back of the front drawer- ope. Yeah. It's there. All riiiight.

Diary! Okay okay okay lets see… ::Flips through.::

::Clears throat::

(whispered) _"Oh Diary! Today I went down the well and saw Inuyasha and while me and Sango went to go help some commoner in some goody-goody deed while Inuyasha and Miroku were skinny dipping in the lake, she mentioned to me that Inuyasha has been lonely lately because I've been gone! Can you believe that?! I was so excited but I didn't let her know how I felt because I knew she'd laugh at me but I could just scream!!!"_

**NARRATOR: **Oh dear Lord. ::gestures gagging::

(continued) "_He is the cutest little half-demon ever. I get goose bumps alllll over when I see him! I wish I could just rip off his kimono and-and-"_

I look up to the traces of Kagome in her bed dramatically. _You dirty dirty bitch…_ Wait. …What was that? I heard a cracking sound…a, oh no! Who's coming in… I guess I'll just have to…I'll go in the closet. o.o

It's…there's a hand on the windowsill…it's Inuyasha. O.O


	5. Part 5 Confession

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 5 Confession

Surprise surprise…

Inuyasha slowly eases himself inside and slides the window back down. He strolls around the bed cautiously, eying the 'sweet' little Kagome wrapped up inside, but then he takes a look around the room, flashes his eyes over the closet, _doesn't_ notice me (_yes!_), and gets down on his knees… He notices a petite, pale hand surfacing from the covers and neatly maneuvers his own around it. Yes, what a very tasty teenage girl Kagome appears to be. But what's this? She wakes up. Well, okay, she didn't pop up from her blankets like a blow-up doll; she slowly cracked open her eyes. Inuyasha notices this, even in the semi-darkness. "Kagome…wake up." She looks dazed, blinking and staring forward into her mattress like a stoner, but then her tired eyes meander up the figure in the shadows and the beads dangling from his neck, to the face of her lover. She smiles sweetly but confused as she lays in bed, feeling the warmth of his grasp around her fingers.

"Inu-yasha…" Inuyasha pauses and his shoulders tensely rise, but quickly fall, and he lets it go.

"Eh-eh…yes. It's me, Inuyasha." As cliché as she could be, she props an arm up and rubs at her eyes.

"Wh…What are you doing here so late? It's…" She quickly glances to the alarm clock at her side. "It's 12:30 at night." HAHAHAHAH! It's 12:30 in the _morning_. Dumbfuck…

"I know…but I had to see you. I just had to. You were right, Kagome. I should tell you how I feel. I should stop beating around the bush." The moment he says this her expression glows with delight. She sits up playfully.

"Oh…?" Inuyasha leans in towards her, holding desperately to her small pure hands in his own demonic, clawed, worn hands. He does this so much that he falls into her lap.  
"Agh-" Kagome giggles uncontrollably like a moron again, turning her face away in delight, though her arms are still being tugged out.

"What is it, you silly oaf?" Inuyasha gathers himself out of her lap and props his elbows up on the bed, still holding to her hands.

"Kagome…" Again he tries, but he exhales in disappointment and lowers his head again. "This is _haaaaard._" Kagome bats her lashes repeatedly, trying to glimpse his embarrassed face to playfully add on to his discomfort. He keeps his head lowered. "Look…I…I've always had this feeling about you." He mumbles. "And it's always been so hard for me to explain. Sometimes I just avoid it all together because-" What? "And-" What? "You….never felt……know?" Agh! He's muttering too quietly for me to hear him…shit::leans forward: "…maybe……a lot…see why!" :Grumbles: Well, Kagome looks pleased nonetheless…

"I think it's about time." Inuyasha finally pipes up.

"Time for what, Inuyasha?" Kagome asks, her curious eyes enlarged. He brings himself closer and closer to her until he is staring her directly in the eyes, his hair dangling over her confused body.

"All along I've…I.. I want to eat you."

( **AUTHOR'S NOTE: **No. Calm down. This story is **not** about to get sexual. So relax and just read on. )


	6. Part 6 The Awful Truth

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 6 The Awful Truth

Kagome's voice, hell, Kagome's breath goes silent. Inuyasha leans anxiously over her, his muscles tense and his fingers clawing into the sheets. Kagome slowly raises her arms and touches the sides of his face.

"I…don't…understand." Inuyasha says nothing. "Inu-yasha…Inu-yasha…Inu-yasha what is it that you mean-" Just then he shoots from the bed and puts his hands on his hips.

"Okay look, Kagome, before we continue this little moment here, I've got something to tell you about all of this "Inu-yasha" shit." Suddenly Kagome perks up.

"Huh?"

"You heard me." His covers his mouth with his hand in thought, and curls it in to gather his lips, then looks back up to her. "Look…This "Inu-yasha, Inu-yasha" stuff has got to stop." He shakes his head tragically. About time somebody said it! "A-a-a-and it's not just me who's annoyed by it. I mean seriously. Everybody thinks it's retarded, even Shippo. He just doesn't talk about how he feels until you leave."

"What!"

"_Don't do it anymore_." He says girlishly.

"What!"

"It's lame."

"Inu-"

"Nope."

"But Inu-"

"NOPE!" She stands up angrily and clenches her fists.

"I-nu-"

"AAAAOAOAJJHHAHAIWEIOP!" Kagome pauses, glaring with fury into Inuyasha's content eyes.

"What has come over y-"

"OOPE!" They pause again. "Sorry. I thought you were gonna shout my name again. What?" Kagome crosses her arms.

"What has come over you." She shakes her head a few times. "You're not acting like the man I love. At all."

"You have no idea who you love, Kagome…" Inuyasha chuckles a little. This has _really_ pushed Kagome's buttons now. Oh my God. Inuyasha is my new hero.

"What does _that_ mean?" Inuyasha takes a moment to think, turns away from her and admires the girlish items over her desk, and then swiftly makes a turn with poise back towards her, leaning against a chair.

"Just as it is. You don't know me, Kagome."

"But Inu-"

"Aaaaaahhpe!" Inuyasha shouts. She cuts mid-sentence.

"Sorry…it's a habit…" Her eyes wander around her room, filling with unexpected tears. She turns away hastily. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry! It's just…I don't understand what's going on." She shoots back to face Inuyasha, her hair sweeping past her back. "What are you doing here telling me these things?" Just then, she gets a sudden bout of courage and marches right up to him, tugging him by the tendrils. "And what in God's name do you mean when you say you want to _eat _me! Because let me tell you something, Inu-yasha-" Inuyasha lifts his fingers and slightly opens his mouth to remind her of her habit, but she continues on restlessly. "If you're trying to have sex with me, that is extremely tactless and I thought you knew by now that I'm not ready!" Just then, Inuyasha turns his face up to the ceiling, though her hands are still tugging at his hair.

"Goooood!" He says playfully. After a pause, the deep manly voice speaks again.

"Sorryyy…I only did what I thought was necessary. Okay now it's back to normal." God says. Inuyasha looks back to Kagome's tear-stricken face.

"Inu-yasha, I-I-I can't have sex with you! It's baaaad!" She shrieks. Inuyasha smiles smugly at the return of Kagome's intellect.

"Well then you're in luck, my dear. Because I do not want to have sex with you."

"Well then…then what did you mean!"  
"Kagome Kagome Kagome…you need to start thinking like a guy. Take it as it is." He untangles himself from her grasp and leans against the door. "I meant completely what I literally said, just like all the other times I opened my mouth. Women and their complications…" Kagome begins to breath harshly. She leans up against her bed and they stare at each other from across the room. "I wanna eat you. I want to pull a nice Sagawa of my own. Now bend over and I'll go get a fork-" Inuyasha opens up the door and sprints out into the hallway, while Kagome, panic-stricken, and with a hand over her heart, freezes in fear.

_**(AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Yeah. You're probably wondering about 'Sagawa' so let me explain. Issei Sagawa is one of the most well known cannibals in Japan, in fact, he is known as the "Godfather of Cannibalism" to (presumably) the Japanese public. However, I am not a mentally-ill being who finds enjoyment in writing about grisly matters such as the process of cannibalism, so if you're squeamish and worried this story is about to get sick, I promise that it ISN'T! _


	7. Part 7 The Roots of Chaos

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 7 The Roots of Chaos

Kagome sits soundly on the bed, thinking as hardly as her little brain could manage, then after a moment, she crawls around on her bed and opens the window, searching desperately for an escape route. The window is too high up, and the tree doesn't look too promising. (I saw it before I came inside. Hell, I don't even know how _Inuyasha_ does it.) She turns to face her room again; tears are falling down her face. Until finally, she spots the closet and slides it open quickly, halting and staring wide-eyed at me with my camera. "Oh, hello, Kagome." She doesn't move.

"What are you doing?" She asks without emotion.

"Watching you." I reply.

"I'VE GOT THE FORK, MY LOVE!" Inuyasha shrieks from downstairs. I've got to wonder why nobody ever woke up from all of this commotion, but it /is/ the Higurashi family after all… Kagome acknowledges that he's coming back and selflessly flings herself at me into the closet and closes the door. We lay with limbs left and right, the camera still rolling, but digging into her side.

"_Kagome! Get the fuck away from my camera! I can't see a damn thing!" _Kagome says nothing. "_And your ass bones are jamming into my lap! Get off!"_ She tries her best to quietly slide to the left, and the two of us watch through the cracks, on our knees in the darkness. I see a flash of red fabric pass by in the tiny slit, presumably Inuyasha rummaging around with the fork.

"Kagome, I know you're in here. I'm not an idiot."

"_I oughta turn you in, hiding like this. Take your own responsibilities, for Christ's sake." _I mutter under my breath. Kagome seems to be softly sniffling near the corner, paying little attention to my unnecessary bickering.

"I know you're in here, I can smell you!" Inuyasha shouts vigorously.

"_I'm not letting him look around like this." _I whisper. "_He's been tolerating your crap for a long time to get to this point and he deserves a reward for it."_

"_How could you say that? You don't even know me! You would never do a horrible thing and give away another human being's life like that." _

"Wanna bet?" I say, and not whisper. I slam the closet door open and shove her out over the carpet. "Here she is! Here she is!" I shriek childishly! Inuyasha has been pacing, but leans over her with lust and hunger (no pun intended) in his eyes. He turns up to face me.

"Thank you. Just for that, I'll spare your life for watching us again!" Awww that made my day. I nod like a good little girl and keep the camera rolling as Inuyasha pokes at Kagome. "Kagome…Kagome, my little darling." She repeatedly gasps and shakes uncontrollably while he stares down to her. "You think I don't love you at this point, right? Well…that isn't true! I love you with all my heart! And that's why I want to eat you, ingest you, so that you will be mine FOREVER!" He growls like the animal he is inside. "I'm a demon, Kagome! I have a ferocious temper and mindset under this skin and amazingly soft silver hair. I've always smelled your blood! It has always made my nose tingle! But the only way I could ever succumb to my primitive desires was if I gained your trust, and it gave me quite a thrill knowing all that it would lead up to. Your death! No! I'm wrong! Your eternal life! I'll have you with me for eternity!" He laughs maniacally. Okay…yeah this is getting pretty weird. But whatever. It's too funny. I mean seriously: Kagome's gonna die. Inuyasha's psycho. Well, no…I'll give him some credit. He's an _animal_ on the inside. Whereas, Kagome's just stupid.


	8. Part 8 The Roots of Chaos II

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 8 The Roots of Chaos II

Kagome bursts forth in an ear-splitting scream, causing Inuyasha to cover her mouth desperately. At this, Kagome struggles from underneath him, jerking her arms and legs, shifting left and right, until she knees Inuyasha in the nuts and he bellows in pain. As Kagome tries her best to slide towards the door, he quickly regains himself and hops on top of her! Oh! This action is too good to miss! I rise from the closet, my camera closely following their bodies as they roll across the floor in the heat of battle! Kagome instinctively grabs Inuyasha's hair and pulls him down, attempting to keep his face embedded in the carpet long enough to slide out and run for help. Inuyasha sees the trick immediately and grab's Kagome's hair. They do a few more somersaults, holding to each other's locks until Kagome's hands slip from Inuyasha's magically pantene-pro-V hair, despite the fact that he lives in Feudal Japan, and he falls over and lands his head in her chest. Just at this moment, I can sense nostalgia in Kagome's eyes. She looks hurt and betrayed, remembering the old times when they stayed close, realizing now that it was all a lie. (Even though technically it wasn't a lie because Inuyasha enjoyed it but also wanted to enjoy roasting her fresh carcass over an open-fire.) She tries her best to let this thought go, and shoves Inuyasha off of her, but he had not taken it off-guard; he springs as if with hind-legs towards the startled school-girl, and after a few more rolls between the bed and the desk, Inuyasha accidentally smacks Kagome's head into the nightstand, and she lays still in her pajamas in the dim light. "Kagome…?" No answer. He drags her out so that light of the moon from the window flushes over her unconscious body. However, instead of getting right down to business, he sits on his knees, staring down to her, never knowing this time would really come. But just then, he stares at me for a moment.

"Hey um…you're not gonna tell anyone, are you?" I keep the camera steady before Inuyasha's worried face.

"Of course nooootttttt. Why would I do that? Kagome sucks."

"Heyyyy! Don't say that. She doesn't suck. She might be annoying and dull, but she doesn't suck." He stands up.

"W-w-w-well. Well that's my opinion, Inuyasha. I think she sucks and I don't like her." He eyes me for a moment and tilts his head.

"Well…alright. We can't all think the same. I'm sure you have an opinion based on actual reason and thought and aren't just trying to stir up pissed-off fans." I smile sweetly. Awww…Inuyasha's a nice guy.

"Well thank you. I'm glad you're being mature about this." Inuyasha nods.

"That's how I'd want other people to be too, ya know." He puts his hands on his hips again. "You know, fans and stuff? For God's sake, shut the fuck up!" At that, he prances out of the room. I giggle for the moment at this comment, but when I look back down to the motionless Kagome and the open door, I have to wonder what Inuyasha could be doing outside… I wander out, careful that none of the family members have woken up and are carrying on throughout the house wondering what has been happening. Nope. No one. I saunter towards the railing and look downstairs, noticing shadows big and small flooding through the front door as Inuyasha holds it open with content. They all have their own unique shape, but quickly, the darkness of the house not reached by the open door swallows the shadows whole, and they quietly converse among themselves at the foot of the stairs.


	9. Part 9 Bananas

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 9 Bananas

I turn back to Kagome nervously. "Looks like we've got some company." I say to her with a smirk. Just then, Inuyasha reaches the top of the stairs and walks confidently back into the room, flinging Kagome over his shoulder and heading back out. "What're you doing, Inuyasha?!" I ask, confused. He stops impatiently.

"We're gonna go eat Kagome." He then hurries towards the unknown guests by the door. I follow him in curiosity, observing Kagome's arms as they dangle behind him and slap repeatedly against his back with each step down the stairs. I follow him through the dark crowd to the front porch. "Wait!" I guess it's true: I really couldn't believe this was happening. He is so annoyed this time, when he turns around to face me, he _again_ smacks Kagome's head, this time into the side of the doorframe. He shoots his eyes down to Kagome's face, which now has a stream of blood coming down her forehead. He shrugs. "What do you what?" He asks. The crowd behind me mumbles sounds of equal questioning.

"I just want to know what you're doing with her body. You know, for interview's sake."

"You'll find out." He pauses again. "Eh-You're welcome to join in if you like. If you're hungry that is."

"Hahah! Wooooooow no. I would never let such garbage enter my system." He shrugs again.

"Fair enough. Still plenty for the others." I raise my finger quickly before he attempts to continue transporting Kagome's body.

"And who exactly…are the others?" He smirks, and then heads off to the side of the house. Just then, the people in the doorway march out to follow him, my body like a stick caught upright in a charging stream. They push and shove, and I almost fall over with the camera, but when this crowd of fellow cannibals reach the outside light, I notice an odd resemblance. No, not a resemblance. These are in fact familiar faces.

They cut through some bushes, and into a small field of grass where a lovely bonfire is set up. It burns beautifully under the navy sky as the people crowd around it, including myself. Inuyasha stretches the body, still in bunny-rabbit nightwear, over a long roasting stick. Before anything can be done, Kikyo emerges from the others and struts confidently towards the body, nodding to Inuyasha before she strikes her arm into Kagome and pulls out a beating heart. She holds it daringly in her hands as the broken arteries spew blood in meandering trails down her arms. She then smashes it against her mouth while deep red dribbles down her chin, suckling mercilessly as if she were Akasha, queen of the damned. After her vengeance is complete, she drops the heart sourly to the grass, and fades back into the crowd.

They sit on log-seats and peacefully gaze into the crackling embers. I notice, inch-by-inch, the end of Kagome's pajama-shirt dipping down into the fire, until finally it catches ablaze, and the flames swallow her whole! They all slap their hands over their mouths, making loud American-Indian-esque tribal calls.

Sesshoumaru has a fat bottle of mustard in his hand, while Sango carries barbeque sauce, and Miroku struggles to manage various spices balanced in the folds of his clothing. Mayonaise, pepper and salt, relish, and salad items are laid out in the grass by hands of different size and color. Kanna delicately lays down a set of sparkling silverware over an unfurled fabric napkin. Sauces and dressing, vegetables and casual picnic items are laid out as appetizers as they wait for Kagome to reach a golden brown. I sit in the grass a little ways away, trying to avoid the drifting hot wood chips that blow in the wind and irritate my eyes. But I have to ask myself how all of these people could coincidentally want to eat Kagome as well. The opposing side, rather the enemies, sit in a clique near the right. Naraku holds a salad bowl and chats casually with other villains while his arm is flung over Kagura, Kanna picks at some crackers and dip, but as my eyes wander off to the left, I spot Inuyasha conversing with Miroku. "Inuyasha?" I shout across the fire. He looks over to me nonchalantly, and then excuses himself from his conversing and laughing friends and joins me at the other side.

"You changed your mind, didn't you?" He smirks.

"No actually…I was just wondering…uhm…how did you get nearly all the important cast and your main enemies, and hell, Kagome's own friends to resort to cannibalism with you?" He rolls his neck back to enjoy the view of the clouds as he cackles, again, maniacally.

"Well…I was just gonna mention it to them as a joke to you know, see their reactions, but…ah…if they were cool with it, I was just gonna go from there. " He nods- I try to nod as well, but reluctantly.

"I see." Our mouths flicker smiles on and off, but then resort to a forced laugh.

"Well, I think it's about time we serve the main course." He rises from the grass and pokes Kagome's thigh with a meat thermometer. "130 degrees everybody! She's done!" Him and Sesshoumaru take some oven mitts and haul her out over a sheet to the side of the bonfire. She sizzles and cools in the night-air, when finally, the group begins their dastardly deed.

"Here's to Kagome." Naraku holds up a mug of sake, the other hand with a plate of Kagome's face. "For she never truly knew how much of a pest she really was."

"Here's to Kagome." Sesshoumaru states proudly. "I never knew her personally…but what I do know…is that her right thigh tastes amazingly good with A1."

"Here's to Kagome." Kanna shouts proudly with her soft voice.

"She didn't have much of a personally," Kohaku adds on, "in fact, it was quite a lot like my sister's, but not quite annoying." Sango looks over to Kohaku with agitation engraved in her forehead.

"Well," Sango begins, holding a plate with Kagome's left arm hanging over it. "It makes me sad that anyone would compare me to Kagome, but, for her family's sake, I hope she didn't rub off on any of _them_."

"Too late for _that_," I add. They look at me for a moment with confusion, but then their faces grow soft and amused.

"Amen to that," Inuyasha replies.

"Wait a second; who exactly is that girl over there?" Kouga asks, sharing the other thigh.

"I'm the narrator." I state dryly. They stare at me, the food in their laps sitting soundly.

"Oh." The dinner continues. I look all around me. Miroku complains of her chest being too greasy, regretting that he chose it based solely on his perversion. However, Kagura seems pleased with the batter-covered brain-tempura, and Rin gobbles vigorously over a plate of finger-shish kebab. I notice Jaken stuck with toes, a few of Kagome's loser friends picking from place to place at the remaining cadaver, while Inuyasha is seated proudly before a platter of Kagome's ass. It seems Shippo is leaning over his plate with glimmering hungry eyes before the fire, but Inuyasha repeatedly smacks him away.

"Nnnnno! NO!" Inuyasha yells authoritatively to him. He puckers his lower lip and then scampers off to the cadaver off to the side, reluctantly resorting to feast on the entrails, as Sango has already let Kilala run off and get a head start on. The cat-demon thing doesn't seem to mind, while Shippo looks disappointed and set apart from the rest of the crowd. I smirk at the little retard, and then wait, without a word, as the others finish their 'divine' dining experience.

Lots of people wondered where she went after that. A lot of people asked. Inuyasha's only response was "She's on vacation," and the endless trail of excuses continued on and on like when Miranda cut her contract on Lizzie McGuire around the end of the series.

It was weird not having Kagome around. No one to pick on, nobody to be annoyed by. Everybody was peaceful and content, not a lot of fighting went on after that; it must have been that they had formed a bond on that peaceful night that Kagome left the world. No doubt, she didn't deserve to _die_. Nobody deserves to die. Unless they're evil like Albert Fish or Jeffrey Dahmer. In fact, I would agree with all you readers that this story is sick. But it's the truth. This is what happened at the end of the series.

"Bodies are like bananas. I don't think Kagome was ripe enough."

"Really? I thought she was a little too ripe."

THE END

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If you have read this story and have anything to say to me, first consider reading the FAQ below to see if any of your questions can be answered.

**Q: You must have no life, right?**  
A: This is basically some kind of question asking the only reason why they think someone could write something that they disagree with. But hey, you're right. I don't have much of a life. On the other hand, this story wasn't a 400pg epic that I was consumed with for months, so not having a life was sort of just a convenience. I worked on this on and off for a while and had fun with it, like I assume is the situation for other non-serious fanfic writers and their stories. I might not be interested in said 'offendee''s stories either. So should I ask why they wrote them?

**Q: What's wrong with Kagome?!**  
A: She's boring. She acts like any other female anime lead I've ever seen. Why am I singling her out? She seems to be so idealized, even though she's the queen of sues. What makes her a real human at all is missing to me. You can give me any example you want, but Kagome bores me. And when she's not boring me, she's annoying me. And even after a million explanations, and reader's rants about how I'm wrong, I will still sit down at the end of the day, run into Inuyasha on television, and be bored and annoyed for a few seconds before I change the channel.

**Q: Well what do you **_**want**_** Kagome to be? A crack whore?  
**A: Nooooo….I'd like it if she was more realistic. If she could manage things in moderate amounts and actually have problems beyond "oh, I might miss school while I'm off gallivanting with a group of people that shouldn't give a shit about me." Basic human flaws would be awesome, past the point of getting in simple fights with Inuyasha and being mad at Naraku. Those are all predictable and normal.

**Q: Do you even know very much about Inuyasha to be making these claims?  
**A: I used to be an Inuyasha super-fan when I was 14, so yeah, I know what I'm talking about.

**Q: Why do you hate people just because they're perfect?!  
**A: Firstly, hate is a strong word. But I don't hate perfect people, if anything, I hate boring fictional characters. The point of a story is that there is a conflict, one that dramatically changes the character for better or worse in the end. Kagome just seems to be getting closer and closer to Inuyasha's pants. I'm sorry that our tastes don't match.

**Q: Well why did you write this fanfic if you don't even like Kagome?  
**A: Because I dislike Kagome and crew in a very comical way. If you've never wanted to write a satire or make a figure that annoyed you into the butt of a joke, then I imagine you haven't been a writer long and/or aren't having much fun. Besides, I still have a bit of a liking (very small) for some of the other characters.

**Q: Why can't you just not watch the show if you don't like it? Why did you have to write this?  
**A: Because I had FUN writing this. That's why people write stories and submit them to fanfiction dot net.

**Q: Are you socially rejected, with no friends and pissed off at the world?  
**A: I'm actually a pretty happy person. I go to college, I'm working towards a major, I work on more serious writing, and I see a lot of direction in my life. I have a lot of friends. I don't see how disliking a cartoon character means I have to be filled with hatred.

**Q: "Do you hate preps, because they are nice and wear colors, unlike you?" (rephrased to make sense)  
**A: I don't really know where you're going with this. I'm a nice person, and I wear plenty of colors. I don't hate preps, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not one. Besides, I don't see how 'prep' is the only label considered to be happy and have friends, and everybody's different.

**Q: Do you expect everyone else to agree with you?  
**A: No? You can make the decision between reading this or not; what I think is funny is people will read it even though it's clearly meant to be offensive, just so they can send me rants and try to scare me into taking this story off the site. I don't bother any of you for writing your Inuyasha fanfics, even though _I_ don't understand how you could _like _it, so what do you think you're doing bothering me about mine? There are other people that dislike Kagome and will enjoy this, if you don't, then here's the smallest violin playing for you. --rubs thumb and index together--

**Q: How could you be such a horrible person?  
**A: You don't need to get offended over a 2-dimensional character being insulted in some story written by someone they've never met before. Furthermore, this is just my humor. It's the fact that cannibalism would never happen and it's ridiculous. In reality, I would not enjoy seeing anybody, even if they were the most annoying person on the planet, being served over an open fire. I don't think I'm a horrible person. If you do, I think you're just getting too upset over nothing.

**Q: I read this and I don't like this story! What do I do?!  
**A: A real Kagome fan would continue their fandom, simple as that. You can't yell at me, because I'm not going to listen to a raving lunatic. You can't reason with me, because I know the show inside and out.


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